World's Banks Close in Response to London Protesters.

by: Chris Blask

Wed Apr 01, 2009 at 13:03:27 PM EDT

All of the world's banks have agreed to close their doors forever in response to the relentless logic of arguments put forth by peaceful mobs protesting the G-20 meetings in London, England today.

"It had never occurred to me that banks were evil until I saw a sign that read 'Banks Are EVIL!!!!!!' today." said Nigel Olson, CEO of The Royal Bank of England.  "It was being carried by a nice young gentleman with a stylish goatee and Birkenstocks who was waving it through one of our broken windows and shrieking something along the lines, I believe, of how he was being oppressed.  I had been busy working on a plan to rob quadraplegic old ladies of their pension funds and I just stopped and thought; 'Nigel, old man, this young lad may have a point."

Mr. Olson stated that he would be happy to answer further questions but had decided to nip off and commit suicide for his sins.

Chris Blask :: World's Banks Close in Response to London Protesters.
Protesters brought a note of hope to the movement by fostering an environment of peace and reconciliation.  The feeling of optimism was palpable in the air as spontaneous groupings of police and protesters broke out in rousing rounds of "Kumbaya, My Lord" and "We Are The World".

Following the announcement by the world's banks Chad Worthington-Hollingberry - the previously unknown Chairman of the Global Capitalist Conspiracy (which, it appears, really has been controlling the world for the benefit of a few ancient societies of blood-drinking hedonists) - sent out a press release renouncing profit, capitalism, private property and really nice cars.  "We have seen the error of our ways," the release reads, "and are at present working to identify surviving leadership from East Germany so we can turn over the reigns of power to them."  The release went on to explain that there had been attempts to turn over power to anarchist leaders, but these efforts had to be abandoned when it was discovered there weren't any.

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Yay! (2.00 / 3)
The revolution, comrades! The revolution!

First we kill the rich, (2.00 / 2)
then we become them!  

Caviar all around!

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."

[ Parent ]
Such tasty satire (2.00 / 3)
Well played! And remember:

The only thing necessary for the triumph of {BANKING} is for {NON-BANKING} men to do nothing.

[ Parent ]
I crosposted this at MyDD and DKOS, (2.00 / 2)
and some of the Kosacks either dont' do snark or have gotten all offended at me.


Ah, I love the smell of frying synapses in the morning!  It smells of victory!

MyDD is actually a saner place than KOS these days, if for no other reason than it is quieter.  WashStateBlue caught the Elton John reference, and no-one at KOS ever did...

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."

[ Parent ]
trying posting it on OpenLeft (2.00 / 2)
for a real LOL

[ Parent ]
Oh, the pomposity of a couple of them. (2.00 / 1)
How dare I mock the Justified Moral Outrage of every single protester!  How dare I claim that capitalism is without a single flaw in any instance!

Lightswitch extremism.  Either you're on my side 100% or you're Satan Incarnate.  It must get tiring carrying all that Moral Certitude aroundhttp://www.daily

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."

[ Parent ]
I understand the protestors (2.00 / 3)
and I sympathize with the attitude that Capitalism is a failing system.

That haven't been said, the problem with many of these people, and I'm including the other blogs, is that they don't seem to have a solution of their own except to just consistently bitch and then bitch then people aren't listening to their bitching enough.

Like I love the woman holding up the sign "We are all doomed! It's already too late" Um...what exactly is she advocating? mass suicide?

It reminds me of protestors I met at the 2004 DNC in Boston, holding up signs saying "Bush and Kerry are both tools of the corporate elite." I decided to interview them...big mistake. When I asked them what would they like to see happen, they kept screaming "Bush and Kerry are tools of the corporate elite."

ok...and your solution is what exactly?


So how do you plan on changing that?


ok...say if people no longer want to be enslaved by their corporate masters, what should they do?


ok...who should they vote for?

DOESN'T MATTER, THE CORPORATE ELITE WILL MAKE SURE THEIR CANDIDATE WINS! what should people do to prevent that from happening


and after about five minutes, you give up and back to your enslavement.  

[ Parent ]
Precisely. (2.00 / 3)
And then there is the exact opposite of that - Progress(iveness)!

Like Hazel Mccallion, Mayor of Mississauga, Ontario, Canada.  She was a 56-year-old new mayor of this Toronto suburb of 200,000 souls in 1978 when I moved there.  She is still mayor of this city (sixth largest in Canada) of 700,000 souls today, and she kicks serious ass.

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."

[ Parent ]
Now that's a mayor. (2.00 / 3)
No wonder she's been in office for 31 years. She's a really impressive woman.

This is not a recession. It's a robbery.

[ Parent ]
hazel!!!! (2.00 / 2)
i love her.  seriously - maybe you could also be the mayor of toronto too?

"I spend my days and nights pondering the meaning of life, the state of the universe, and the Home Shopping Network." -- Donald Roller Wilson

[ Parent ]
Not even sure if she is Conservative or Liberal, (2.00 / 1)
her wiki doesn't say.  Makes no difference, she is Progressive by definition.  

I remember hearing some grumbling when I first got there about the new mayor and some folks predicting the End of the World.  With 92% of the vote (in a city that size?  is that completely unprecedented outside of rigged elections I wonder?) it seems the jury isn't out on that one anymore.

I never knew she was a professional hockey player, though.  she just rocks a little more all the time. :~)

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."

[ Parent ]
perfect (2.00 / 4)
and after about five minutes, you give up and back to your enslavement.

My dad is really big on work ethic, and I remember griping to him once that I was going to quit a job because it sucked, boss was an a-hole, no future, etc. He let me go on for a while then said "You still haven't told me why you'll like your new job.".

I was about to say "because it's not my old job", but that sounded stupid even to me. I was defining all my opportunities as exits from a crappy situation. I should have been defining them as entrances into a better one. I see a lot of that "anything but this" thinking going around the blogosphere lately.

Back to your example, what a different impression you'd have had if the folks you interviewed were passionate about a third-party candidate, whoever that might be. It might actually have made you think, "wow these guys are psyched, maybe they're onto something". Instead you walked away knowing thay had nothing to offer, except...nothing.

[ Parent ]
I saw that with Naderites in 2000 (2.00 / 4)
they supported Nader, but couldn't really express why they supported Nader except that he wasn't from either major political party.

I'm big on work ethic myself, except I think Americans sometimes let their jobs own them and let life pass them by because he feel that not allowing their job to own them would make them lazy or something. I also think Americans too often "settle" because they feel they have to and go through their lives miserable because they were never allowed to find what it was they like to do and make it work for them. Everyone used to tell me I was lazy or didn't want to work because I hated my jobs...but now in Europe, I work harder than I ever did in my life...because I like what I'm doing...and yes, I still complain...I was on the phone with my mom last night complaining about dumb mistakes my crew made while we were in Morocco and how it stressed me out, but a job is a job and having experience months of unemployment in the past, I wouldn't trade the stresses of my job or anything.

[ Parent ]
It's like the GOP and the budget. (2.00 / 1)
which apparently came out today, but I haven't cared enough to look for it yet (something about eliminating the middle class tax cuts in the current budget and cranking up the high-end tax cuts).  I'll accept a pretty lame attempt at an opinion, but just pulling things out of your fanny hardly counts.

I'd like to ask all these "anti capitalism" protesters what the alternative is.  Maybe it would be better to find out what exactly they are even protesting against.  I think from you I would get a more rational response, but from most of these folks (and much of left blogistan) I wouldn't have such high expectations.

Is it "I don't think people should be allowed to have control of their own earnings"?  This is what "anti-capitalism" sounds like to me: if folks aren't allowed to capitalize on their opportunities and abilities then you came back to Centralized Control where some committee will determine your earnings for you.

Or is it: "I don't think the distribution of capital is working out to reward people fairly"?  This, to me, is not Anti-Capitalism at all, it's Capitalism Needs Tuning.

The true counter of capitalism is communism, and if that's what these folks are pulling for then my mocking can be happily taken to a new level.

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."

[ Parent ]
I have looked at it (2.00 / 3)
and it is either an April Fool's joke or it was written by someone who went to sleep while Reagan was still president and then just woke up last week.

1) Change the tax code to 10% for a couple up to $100,000 and then 25% for everything after that. But you would have the option to get taxed under the old code if that's what you preferred.

2) Eliminate the capital gains tax for 2 years.

3) Capital gains and dividends would be taxed at 15%.

4) Eliminate the estate tax.

5) Reform Medicare by killing it for anyone who is less than 55 years old today. Instead people that are 54 now will get a credit that would supposedly be worth the same as the Medicare plan.

6) Cut the corporate tax to 25%

7) Enact a five year spending freeze for everything except the defense budget and veterans health care.

8) Something that looks an awful lot like means testing for Social Security.

9) Energy - No cap and trade. Drill, baby, drill. Open up more land to oil exploration and use the lease money to fund renewable energy. That's their whole plan for energy.

10) Medicaid - I'm not sure what they mean with this statement: "We strengthen the Medicaid safety net by converting the federal share of Medicaid payments into an allotment tailored for each state's low-income population. This will enhance state flexibility and sensitivity to spending growth."

This is not a recession. It's a robbery.

[ Parent ]
I've heard that projects a 1.7 trillion deficit. Fiscal conseratives? nt (0.00 / 0)

[ Parent ]
On the protests (2.00 / 2)
I pose a questin. I glanced over at OpenLeft today as I tend to do from time to time and there's someone saying "If a majority of Americans support universal healthcare, food and housing for the poor and other progressive stuff, why are we not taking to the streets in big numbers like in Europe?"

Are they wrong is saying Americans overwhelmingly support those things? I wonder what the answer is.

On the protests, I'm in Europe and I can tell you, the protests in London are being covered as "those crazy people again" It's not like anyone here is ready to jump in and join them.  

[ Parent ]
I want that mansion on Grove St. (2.00 / 2)
and I WANT MY PONY!!!!!!

This is not a recession. It's a robbery.

These anarchists… (2.00 / 2)
...don't seem to know that some surviving leadership from East Germany is already leading one of the largest capitalistic economy of this planet.

The unofficial system of capitalism worked quite well in former East Germany - you gimme bricks, I give you cement...

Go Angela! (2.00 / 2)
These protesters usually come from places where they don't have to actually live like they advocate.  You are a perfect example, most of the folks I know who grew up behind the Iron Curtain are the strongest advocates of, well, not living behind the Iron Curtain again.

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."

[ Parent ]
I'm pretty sure that I have the comic that that panel was taken from (2.00 / 4)
It's an old issue of Batman, buried in my parents' house somewhere.

Fab snark, Chris. Very funny. (2.00 / 3)
Some of the folks on DKos are wound wayyyyyy too tight, by the way. Can't take a joke. I think I once saw someone say that if we could harness the collective outrage on Daily Kos and use it for fuel, it could power the entire continental United States.

I'd love to HR She's a Riot for you, just for the fun of it, but I haven't posted on DKos in a while, and I lost my TU status. But hey, if anyone else is feeling spiteful and bored... ; )

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

im mentally HRing... (2.00 / 4)
since im not a user at dkos.  and its times like these that i remember why.

"I spend my days and nights pondering the meaning of life, the state of the universe, and the Home Shopping Network." -- Donald Roller Wilson

[ Parent ]
Hey, every little bit of spite (2.00 / 4)
sent through the ether helps, I'm sure. ; )

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

[ Parent ]
Thank you, sricki, and you too CG. (2.00 / 4)
I forget how tiring it is to debate with ideologues after hanging out with you folks for so long.  It's just painful and pedantic to have to dodge hurled accusations while trying to juggle cats all the time.

Thank god for the Moose, and all it's wonderful denizens.

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."

[ Parent ]
I strongly protest being called a Mouse...a mouse don't (2.00 / 2)
have antlers...A motley of mouse...what were you thinking ? Shouldn't it be A Motley of Mice?

Excuse me?


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