GOPasaur Extinction Update: More Fossil Follies from Griftasaurus Karlroveii

by: cassandracarolina

Mon Feb 04, 2013 at 13:01:06 PM EST



As reported in the New York Times and other reputable sources - and widely mocked elsewhere - Griftasaurus Karlroveii has concocted yet another plan to stave off extinction... or at least make some money off it if it's really unavoidavle. In a party where dinosaur-on-dinosaur violence has reached levels worthy of paleo-pay-per-view coverage, the bespectacled behemoth believes that he has found the Secret of Eternal Relevance. As always, it involves money. Other people's money, obviously.

His latest Life Extension scheme involves establishment of the Conservative Victory Party. While that sounds dreadfully bland, rest assured, blood will spill, and carnage will result. Don't touch that dial! First on the CVP's hit list? The witless Baggasaurs whose moronic Mesozoic meddling has already cost the GOPasaurs some key seats in the House and Senate. Like a clown car filled with velociraptors on crack, the Baggasaurs provided ample amusement for those of us on the other side of the aisle, but have been an unending torment for their supposed allies.

Spawned by the evil genius and deep pockets of the Kochasaurs and a few other one-percenters with more free time and money than brains, the Baggasaurs were foisted on the American public as a true grass-roots Paleo-phenomenon. Easily identified by their curious headgear, poorly-spelled signs, and angry vocalizations, the Baggasaurs played their parts to perfection. Their walnut-sized brains ensured that they would never discern that they were simply "extras" in the Greatest Story Never Told, and that despite their daily trips to the mailbox, their checks would never arrive.

Still, when measured in terms of damage done versus IQ points, the Baggasaurs will leave a dent in the fossil record. In retrospect, their Reign of Error may represent the Beginning of the End for GOPasaurs. Some analysts surmise that G. karlroveii is very much in agreement with this view, but clearly not above using it to advance his own objectives. Follow along below the coprolite horizon for more...  

cassandracarolina :: GOPasaur Extinction Update: More Fossil Follies from Griftasaurus Karlroveii
The Achilles' Heel of all GOPasaurs is their willingness to double down, even when the odds are bleakest. One need look no further than famed Casinasaurus adelsonii, who blew invested tens of millions of dollars first in the ill-fated campaign of Stegasaurus newtii, then Brontosaurus romneii. Why, if one didn't know better, one might think that this was an instance of Mesozoic money-laundering.

G. karlroveii knows just how to run the "long con" on his fellow GOPasaurs, many of whom are well and truly frightened as the Baggasaurs Ruin Things For Everyone. He knows that, in a world where extinction looms large, volcanoes rumble, and sulfurus gas clouds roll across the perpetually-sunsetty-looking horizon, there's always money, the cure for all ailments. GOPasaurs have money. G. karlroveii wants money. All he needs to do is to pipe in some happy tunes, and the GOPasaurs will emerge from their hardened bunkers caves, checkbooks clutched in their tiny forelibs. Once he's amassed the requisite millions, he's back in business, and all memories of his Faux News Election Night Meltdown will be washed away, just as Jesus will wash away all sin when he returns to save the GOPasaurs in the Velocirapture

Velocirapture

But... I digress. The ultimate irony in this saurian scheme is that G. karlroveii is working to effect genetic engineering by careful selection and propagation of Conservasaurus traits. Not bad for a party that doesn't believe in evolution. By selecting in favor of GOPasaurs who meet their strictly defined characteristcs, he reasons, the entire species will be improved. Eugenics, anyone?

While it would take eons for this Paleo-plan to result in meaningful change, it only takes a moment to deposit a check from a deep-pocket donor whose beady little eyes glisten at the prospect of Ethnic Cleansing of their beloved party.

Darwin will be turning in his grave, but P.T. Barnum will be laughing all the way to the bank.

 

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Tips for Teaching Evolution (2.00 / 18)
dinosaur_-_overbite

Dinosaurs are fun and cute, except for GOPasaurs, who are way overdue for a visit from the Grim Reaper.  

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


I love these diaries. (2.00 / 14)
:~)

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."

Thanks, Chris - I enjoy writing these, and there's (2.00 / 12)
so much material out there that they really write themselves. The only mystery is how these critters continue to elude their fate.  

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
I just love these expeditions into the saurian landscape. Was (2.00 / 11)
trying to fit into it the idea that some have that Ann Romney should run for Massachusetts senator but don't know enough of about adaptation gone amok among extinct creatures to do it. And...I love your sig line!

[ Parent ]
Dressagasurus cruella? In elected office? (2.00 / 10)
As a long time denizen of the Massachusetts terrane, I would not wish such a fate upon those fine citizens. This cold-blooded GOPasaur female should be retiring to one of her well-appointed caves with  her brood of Mittlets and grand-Mittlets and the Eohippus-filled paddocks.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
Perfectly stated and thanks from someone who also (2.00 / 8)
was a long time denizen of Massachusetts. Love Dressagasurus cruella and the Eohippus paddocks. Great on so many levels. Brava!

[ Parent ]
So nice to see you here, Portlaw (2.00 / 8)
Are Brontosaurus romneii and Dressagasaurus cruella even residents of Massachusetts via their Belmont mansion, or are they roughing it in Trig Tron Trask their son's basement??  

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
Think their chauffeur just drives them through. (2.00 / 6)


[ Parent ]
Portlaw... does this mean that the Romnosaurs (2.00 / 8)
can claim voting privileges in every state they traverse? How charmingly convenient for them.

Shouldn't Dressagasaurus cruella be writing her memoirs about the travails of campaigning and dealing with the Great Unwashed Masses?

Ann Ecch Handshake
"Eww! Eww! Eww! Where's my hand sanitizer?"

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
D, cruella has her stylist write her memoirs for her. (2.00 / 6)


[ Parent ]
Dressagasaurus cruella?!?! (2.00 / 7)
hahahahahahaha.

Stop it! This is hard!


[ Parent ]
That Grim Reaper , I predict , will be in the form of an asteroid that hits (2.00 / 4)
the Yucatan Peninsula. Uh - oh - this diary was up yesterday - maybe I'm confused about time , getting these weird ideas. Never know , tiny , furtive , insectivorous
(my X - wife )-  like mammals may come out of the mess alive and evolve over several gajillion years into long-legged herbivorous giant critters with bells on their chins , ho - ho!

"COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH"- from 'Anguished English'

[ Parent ]
Extinction can't come soon enough for some of these critters (2.00 / 4)
But here's a little something to ponder as we wait...

Dinosaurs marine flood

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
"they really write themselves" (2.00 / 2)
That is the sign of a natural writer, or someone who has crossed the crux and is doing it by feel.

I can see in the way you write an ease that makes for a very readable flow. It is less difficult to pedantically take an idea like this and construct the words to fill the page than it is to arrange it so that it fits comfortably like a tailored suit. Until you get to a certain point or you have a certain knack, in which case it is easier still.

Being a place where writing happens, often enough the conversations turn back to look at themselves as the acts of writing they are. Beyond being able to enunciate thoughts there is the subtle nuance of art, behind the delivery of facts is the creativity of feel.

Many Moose are very good at both. Some (stops and stares at Denise for a second too long) stand out even among peers. You have a very sweet comic twist to the way you write, which makes me believe I would recognize you by the way you smile if we were ever to meet in 3space.

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."


[ Parent ]
{{blushes}} Thank you for those kind words, Chris (2.00 / 2)
I simply love to write, and have written everything from silly doggerel to technical reports, proposals, an unpublished novel, affidavits, talking points for politicians, guidance documents, web site copy, magazine articles, song parodies, and snarky political diaries. I ghost write stuff for other people, something I view as a growth area in coming years as writing skills continue to deteriorate in the business world.

Inability to communicate would have been a severely self-limiting trait in my family, where even my parents' occasional arguments were full of 50-cent words. Being brought up bilingual (German/English) for my first few years probably helped. Nobody would have heeded my please for food, toys, or other desires had I been unable to express them in literate and compelling terms. I've always had an aptitude for languages, so naturally, I pursued a career in something unrelated: science.

There, I was able to distinguish myself from the smarter people by having more adept written and oral communication skills, and the rest is paleontology history. If I can amuse a moose or two, my day is complete.

But Chris: nobody - seriously dude, nobody - has ever used the word "sweet" in describing me. I'll see how long I can keep that charade going here ;-)  

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
"Sweet" is the finest point of Conway's search. (2.00 / 2)
It is where craft meets art. "A sweet hack", a thing of particular elegance, the difference between engineer and artifex.

Sweet is how those at the top of their fields distinguish relative accomplishments. It's not the same as "nice", but in this case I think the dual usage is valid. ;~)

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."


[ Parent ]
Well, not sure about sweet but you (2.00 / 2)
do dazzle without being mean and that is rare,

[ Parent ]
so let me get this straight. (2.00 / 11)
Rove initially supported the Bagger virus, but now the virus has become toxic to Republicans winning elections. so contributing to the CPV is akin to getting a flu shot at Walgreens?

yeah, i think he has a future, that carl Rove.

time...it seems to move so slowly until that day, when it doesn't.


Correctamundo, dear occupant (2.00 / 11)
They created the Baggasaurs, raised them, fed them, taught them, and cast them out into the world only to have them remain true to their genotype. Now they're out trying to hunt down every last one of them and exterminate them.

Memo to file: it's not nice to fool [with] Mother Nature.  

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
G. karlroveii apparently did not learn much from Pandora. (2.00 / 10)


[ Parent ]
G. karlroveii - like most GOPasaurs - doesn't learn at all (2.00 / 9)
from past experience. He's imagines himself a modern-day Midas. One scheme yielded gold. OK, great. Second scheme, also gold. Cool! Third scheme, you got it; gold. Awesome!

This scheme? No gold, just a bagful of coprolites. What the...?! How did that happen??  

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
I know, isn't life sweet? (2.00 / 1)
When something is wrong, its lifespan is predetermined. You can either ride it all the way down to the ground, or you can choose at some point to step off.

Rove is a very smart man (I know, flame-resistant underwear on), and maybe he actually believed in the past that the Bagger movement would "work" by some definition of the word. But he isn't a True Believer by any stretch, and he will abandon any vehicle when he sees it heading for a cliff.

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."


[ Parent ]
Oh, I agree, Chris - Rove is an Opportunisaur (2.00 / 2)
who will bleed one of his own species dry on a hot day just to wallow in the cold blood for a few minutes. He is smart in the same way as Velociraptor cantorii. When he sinks his fangs into his victim, it's nothing personal; just business.  

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
He's a nihilist fuck of the Rightosaur Clodopoda genus. (2.00 / 2)
I pick on Boomers a lot, and I know many of the folks I talk with fall into that category. My intent is not malicious, but I believe it is important - as Boomers rule the world today and are largely responsible for its current shape - to point out the characteristic flaws now so the Millenials can work on correcting for them.

Caveat given (you Boomers are aright, just not as perfect as some among your peers might have us believe :~), the Boomeritus Rightosaur order contains some of the most rabidly self-annihilating species ever to walk the earth. The defining characteristics include an End Times belief that justifies any action (a trait shared with Boomerititus Leftosaurians like Paul Ehrlich).

What distinguishes the Rightosaur order is an obsession with personal gratification at the expense of others. Since the world is burning anyway, they believe they may as well take everything they can get their claws into before the comet strikes.

The worst Boomerititus Leftosaurians species are similarly end timers (have I mentioned how much I dislike Ehrlich?), but their least admirable trait is telling other creatures how awful they are and studying butterflies. Given a choice  hang out with the Leftosaurs, and least they won't maul me just for the satisfaction of watching me bleed out.

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."


[ Parent ]
I always get a kick... (2.00 / 8)
...out of your sparkling wit. Thanks!

There are, in every age, new errors to be rectified, and new prejudices to be opposed. ~Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Thanks, slksfca... (2.00 / 6)
The combination of GOPasaur-on-GOPasaur violence, palpable desperation, vast sums of money, and rampant schadenfreude makes for some wonderful drama.  

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
This is brilliant, Cassandra! (2.00 / 9)
Like a clown car filled with velociraptors on crack,

OMG, I love it!  That and "Velocirapture"!

You mentioned "rampant schadenfreude" in your comment just now.  I once read a definition of "rampant," as follows:

"To advance menacingly, with forelegs extended."

Ye gods!  What could be scarier?


Hello, Diana in NoVa... Perhaps I should have used another term (2.00 / 7)
as I was thinking of something along the lines of "rapidly proliferating" schadenfreude, but given the tiny forelimbs of many GOPasaurs, thie original does sound more amusing than menacing.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
Professor Harold Hill would be envious of Karl Rove (2.00 / 7)
and the GOP.

I wonder if the history of that party has ever had so many grifters attached to it? For a party that bemoans the "taker" class they sure do have an awful lot of takers.


Hmmm... Great point about grifters, bill d... (2.00 / 6)
Of course, when you get handed a six-figure check by a willing donor, maybe it's a victimless crime ;-)

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
Damn... you're GOOD, cc! (2.00 / 3)
Griftasaurus Karlroveii was masterful, but you took it to another level completely.

...Casinasaurus adelsonii, who blew invested tens of millions of dollars first in the ill-fated campaign of Stegasaurus newtii, then Brontosaurus romneii.

I bow to your paleontological knowledge, coupled with some absolutely mad wordcrafting skills!

(Wow, you even included COPROLITES! The pyriteized ones are quite beautiful, don't you think, with or without grunt marks...)


Thanks, Lorinda Pike! (2.00 / 3)
Grunt marks! Hah! I do have some fossilized dinosaur bone fragments, including some polished into cabochons, but no coprolites. My dad and I spent many happy hours searching through rock shops and ordering things from the Edmund Scientific catalog. He loved anything having to do with paleontology, and I did take one course in it. Sadly, it was taught by a professor who had a disturbing obsession with the proximity of oral and anal orifices in various invertebrate species. Seriously. It's no wonder that my interests turned to the larger vertebrates where this wasn't an issue.  

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
Sorry about the extremely strange paleontology professor. (2.00 / 3)
Mine was wonderful. He had been everywhere and done everything. He was born in Switzerland, and had been a bush pilot in Alaska, spent three years in a Trappist monastery (he looked like Friar Tuck, btw) had eaten wooly mammoth steaks at a paleontology conference in the Soviet Union...(All of this is true - I have seen pictures.)

He was fascinating. He also ended up as the Garbage Man of Baghdad after the first Gulf altercation, working with the Corp of Engineers.

Even after 30 years we still correspond via email occasionally. He is a treasure.


[ Parent ]
Oh, I forgot... I loved Edmund Scientific also. Amazing stuff (2.00 / 3)
for our little scientific brains!

[ Parent ]
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