The Achilles' Heel of all GOPasaurs is their willingness to double down, even when the odds are bleakest. One need look no further than famed
Casinasaurus adelsonii, who
blew invested tens of millions of dollars first in the ill-fated campaign of
Stegasaurus newtii, then
Brontosaurus romneii. Why, if one didn't know better, one might think that this was an instance of Mesozoic money-laundering.
G. karlroveii knows just how to run the "long con" on his fellow GOPasaurs, many of whom are well and truly frightened as the Baggasaurs Ruin Things For Everyone. He knows that, in a world where extinction looms large, volcanoes rumble, and sulfurus gas clouds roll across the perpetually-sunsetty-looking horizon, there's always money, the cure for all ailments. GOPasaurs have money. G. karlroveii wants money. All he needs to do is to pipe in some happy tunes, and the GOPasaurs will emerge from their hardened bunkers caves, checkbooks clutched in their tiny forelibs. Once he's amassed the requisite millions, he's back in business, and all memories of his Faux News Election Night Meltdown will be washed away, just as Jesus will wash away all sin when he returns to save the GOPasaurs in the Velocirapture
But... I digress. The ultimate irony in this saurian scheme is that G. karlroveii is working to effect genetic engineering by careful selection and propagation of Conservasaurus traits. Not bad for a party that doesn't believe in evolution. By selecting in favor of GOPasaurs who meet their strictly defined characteristcs, he reasons, the entire species will be improved. Eugenics, anyone?
While it would take eons for this Paleo-plan to result in meaningful change, it only takes a moment to deposit a check from a deep-pocket donor whose beady little eyes glisten at the prospect of Ethnic Cleansing of their beloved party.
Darwin will be turning in his grave, but P.T. Barnum will be laughing all the way to the bank.
As reported in the New York Times and other reputable sources - and widely mocked elsewhere - Griftasaurus Karlroveii has concocted yet another plan to stave off extinction... or at least make some money off it if it's really unavoidavle. In a party where dinosaur-on-dinosaur violence has reached levels worthy of paleo-pay-per-view coverage, the bespectacled behemoth believes that he has found the Secret of Eternal Relevance. As always, it involves money. Other people's money, obviously.
