GOP Messaging 2.0: "Hateful Policies Lovingly Framed"

by: cassandracarolina

Wed Feb 06, 2013 at 17:09:06 PM EST



Still smarting from Obama's re-election and the ongoing implosion of the GOP brand, party leaders have concluded that something's terribly wrong. Not their message. Nah, it couldn't be that. More likely it's the way they've been using angry, misogynistic, racist old white guys to carry the party standard. Seems that this is alienating the voters, and We Can't Have That.

Your intrepid diarist has picked through the dumpster behind Reince Priebus' office and found some of their latest public relations communiques on a range of subject matter. Oddly, they're all encrypted in limerick form...

GOP anti-abortion messaging focuses on shaming women who find themselves in difficult circumstances, piling on to compound their anguish, just because they can:

Abortions are evil! Tut, tut!
If you get one, you must be a slut!
Shame on you, Jezebel!
You'll be headed to Hell!
Guess you should have just kept your legs shut!

However, that misogynistic messaging is proving a little out-of-touch, so the new GOP copywriters are proposing something more, um... upbeat:

Life is sacred, on that we agree
Who would not love a cute, pink baby?
With their eyes full of joy
Every young girl and boy
Is a treasure to you and to me

Speaking of misogynistic messaging, how about all those armchair gynecologists dispensing disinformation on birth control such as...

A legitimate rape? Well, okay...
But most women just lie when they say
Their assailant was armed
Chances are they were charmed
By some boyfriend (at least he's not gay!)

When life hands women a bushel-basket of lemons, it's time to make some lemonade:

We're so sorry; we do understand
Your rape-pregnancy happened, unplanned
Sometimes life's so unfair
It's just too much to bear
It's too bad we can't lend you a hand.

Harsh views on homosexuality abound in GOP political rhetoric (usually right up to the point when those unfortunate photos come to light):

We're good Christians! We do not believe
In the marriage of Adam and Steve
It's grotesque and obscene!
Marriage must be kept clean!
It's in danger! We can't be naïve!

Under the Kinder Gentler GOP 2.0, it's time to face facts: not everyone's a heterosexual. It might be time to ditch the homophobia and realize that gay people do, after all, vote:

Are Republicans biased? No way!
Why, my neighbor's ex-wife's son is gay!
He's a charming young man
Served in Afghanistan
When "don't ask, don't tell" passed, I said "yay!"

As we learned in the Ayn Rand petroglyphs, sympathy for the poor, the homeless, the jobless, the sick, the elderly and other losers is a sign of insufferable weakness:

A poor person who can't pay their rent?
Unemployment check's already spent?
Well, I simply don't care!
Not one dime could I spare!
I'm elite! In the top One Percent!

Perhaps that seems a bit, well, uncaring. Let's see if the new GOP-lite version would sound a little more altruistic:

In the land of the free and the brave
Someone must play the part of wage slave
You should keep working hard
For that house with a yard
And that other nice stuff that you crave.

Of course, there's nobody like a GOP chicken-hawk draft dodger when it comes to international saber-rattling and war-mongering:

Time to scramble the bombers! Let's roll!
North Korea is out of control!
And Iran will be armed!
People should be alarmed!
We're at war for America's soul!

Well, that sounded nice and patriotic, but since they'll be fighting these wars using your kids as cannon-fodder, perhaps they need a better recruiting message like this:

Join the Army, young patriot guy!
Beam with pride as our flag flies on high!
Keep America free
In Marines or Navy
It's all good (well, it's true: you might die)

While they weren't busy plotting the next unpaid-for war or stripping women of their rights or shredding the safety net or protecting the uber-rich, GOPers focused their efforts on obstructing that President Obama put forth:

He's a Socialist Kenyan! Watch out!
All the birthers were right to cast doubt!
That usurper would dare
Push for Obamacare!
Well, impeachment will be our next route

Turns out that those pesky voters keep electing the dude, though, so maybe it's time for a little more bipartisan approach

Four more years? Well, that sucks, but oh, well...
We'll try not to freak out or raise hell
"Kumbaya" we shall sing
In the hopes we can bring
Some bipartisan stories to tell

So... by now, you get the picture: same pig, different lipstick. Feel free to add some more rewrites in the comments section below.  

cassandracarolina :: GOP Messaging 2.0: "Hateful Policies Lovingly Framed"
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cc.... (2.00 / 7)
There's  thought that I have
But write it I can't
Twould be really bad
Without a descant.

Thus speaketh a Methodist choir member.

Casserole anyone?

"Pin your money to your girdle and don't talk to strangers."  My Grandmom's advice when I went away to school.  I don't wear a girdle and have never met a stranger.  Sorry Grandmom!


Well, that's thought provoking, nannyboz! (2.00 / 7)
If you give me a hint, I will try
To "limericize" it, by and by
I'm no Methodist, though
So if I seem too slow
Be specific: vague hints just don't fly ;-)

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
Well, if you insist.... (2.00 / 7)
We Methodists are for casseroles famed
She who made deviled eggs goes unnamed,
Who sings the descant in high soprano
Is likely Republicano.

Tis not equal rights we oppose
But we're scared of people who know
That Jesus loved all without folderol
They scare us right down to our toes.

We like things all neat and tidy
We don't care for that which is wild
Our Book of Discipline lets no one else in
Which helps us keep things meek and mild.

Now listen to me thus I say
You seem intent on your way
If you mean to start a discussion
Our "religion" will give you a concussion.

We're really so sure we are right
That we'll keep you awake at night
You'll wonder where you went asunder
Only to find the noise is thunder.

If I sound sarcastic it's meant
My religion feels like cement
Deviled eggs don't appeal
I trust what is real
But with most folks one can't make a dent.

I know you spoke of the Right
But you led me to speak of the might
For organized religion is mostly a vision
Which has nothing to do with the light.

"Pin your money to your girdle and don't talk to strangers."  My Grandmom's advice when I went away to school.  I don't wear a girdle and have never met a stranger.  Sorry Grandmom!


[ Parent ]
Wow! Nannyboz! Well said! (2.00 / 7)
I know nothing of Methodist ways
Here in Texas, we have big prayer days
Fundamentalists pray
"Yes" for rain, "No" for gay
(Perry smiles - hypocrisy pays!)

Separation of church and of state?
That's not something to which they relate
I don't mean to sound snide
But with God on their side
GOPers grin as they unleash the hate.


I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
I love your poems and the way you (2.00 / 7)
tease those with power. Had I a better Rolodex,  you would be the next Poet Laureate.  

[ Parent ]
Why, thank you, Portlaw (2.00 / 7)
I am content to create my quirky doggerel in the quiet backwaters of Moose-a-topia. With my luck, I'd be allergic to laurel leaves ;-)

Einstein Limerick

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
Loud applause for poetry and (2.00 / 7)
for deviled eggs and casseroles, all of which I like. As for the right, nothing to do with the light.

[ Parent ]
Aha! (2.00 / 7)
Deviled eggs are merely a shill
For those who decline to "will"
They look really pretty
And add to the ditty
Of those who speak loud but don't act.

The ladies who make them are sure
In their hearts and minds they are pure
But ask them to matter they turn to their batter
And vow they cannot do more.

Lookin' like I srsly need to leave the Methodist church, choir or no choir.  The disdain, it burns.  Sorry cc, your post just brought it out.

"Pin your money to your girdle and don't talk to strangers."  My Grandmom's advice when I went away to school.  I don't wear a girdle and have never met a stranger.  Sorry Grandmom!


[ Parent ]
Strangely enough, my generally atheistic folks (2.00 / 7)
attended a local Congregational church just to sing in the choir. I never went to church - ever - as a kid, so I began to hunger for some religion. During the summers that I attended camp in the mountains of NH, we had a "little white church", a tiny building where various clergy folk would volunteer to hold a service. For the kids, it was usually something about Baseball and Life, really a great way to access religion! I played the organ and loved singing the hymns.

Otherwise, though, I'd say this about that:

Folks who brag of salvation should not
Lest in "sin of pride" lies they get caught
Their reward they await
At St. Peter's bright gate
But 'til then, they're not doing a lot.  

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
Hoo girl, we need to talk! On many fronts. A long story is in (2.00 / 5)
there, just awaitin' to be told.

Love your posts, you're a wonderful writer who brings things out in folks.

Okay, no more rhymes or ditties, I cannot keep up with you!

"Pin your money to your girdle and don't talk to strangers."  My Grandmom's advice when I went away to school.  I don't wear a girdle and have never met a stranger.  Sorry Grandmom!


[ Parent ]
Bravo! (2.00 / 4)
This was like the rapping in 8-Mile - only it was (uhm) Moosier?

[ Parent ]
well CC, this limerick writing is a talent (2.00 / 5)
that i unfortunately DO NOT posess but i can appreciate the hell out of it.
nicely done, both of you!

time...it seems to move so slowly until that day, when it doesn't.


Thank you, dear occupant (2.00 / 4)
In my case, I just try to re-purpose my "bugs" as "features" ;-)

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
heh, recycling is good for the mental environment too. (2.00 / 4)


time...it seems to move so slowly until that day, when it doesn't.


[ Parent ]
Oh noes, a poetry thread, (2.00 / 6)
Something any sharp Moose knows is best rapidly fled.

We've seen these befores,
These poetry wars,

And the way helpless words get all twisted and bled.

Now with Mooses galores
And G.O.P. saurs
Volleyboy dairies
Floroja Bomb fieries
Mr. Do sharin'
LabWitch's stiffs glarin'
Retail Bulb lights
Michele willin's bites
Tricia's wise pooties
JanF's daily duties
...

whew...

    you

Know that Hell's Gates can't be too far ahead.

(i would like to take this space to express my deepest apology to my 10th grade english teacher, the people of upstate new york, maya angelou, and all the words harmed in the making of this comment)

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."


Chris, this is what happens when you leave the fence gate open (2.00 / 6)
A stampede of new Moosies appeared
An apocalypse many had feared
Each one brought a new quirk
As they all ran berserk
"For such chaos, we're simply not geared!"

Elder Mooselords looked on in dismay
More orange Moosies showed up every day
Like an alien race
They took over the place
Even atheists started to pray

But as time went by, things settled down
Furtive smiles replaced every frown
These new moosies could write
They played nice; didn't fight
And they lived by the rules of Moosetown

So we thank you for letting us in
We'll work hard for Progressives to win
We'll help out with campaigns
With our passion and brains
In the end, we'll all be moosey kin!

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.


-- Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
Cassandra of Carolina, (2.00 / 1)
Your words are much finah,
Than what am likely to spout.

The best I can mention
Is that dynamic tension
Even Rocky got buffed up without.

All you new Meese
Have brought with you peace
Where others would've brung only noise,

Of course that may be
Cuz' you're mostly ladies
Instead of just sweat-soaked bad little boys.

John Askren - "Never get into a pissing match with a skunk."


[ Parent ]
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